So You Want to Marry a Korean

Reading a number of comments, it surprises me how naïve some people can be regarding this issue. You can see this on a number of Korea-related sites like blogs or videos on Youtube, etc. On one hand, you have the female Kpop or Korean drama fans who want to marry a Korean because they think that he will be like someone from a drama or look like a Kpop star, the latter actually being more realistic than the former. On the other hand, you have these foreign guys who want to marry Korean women because of what they see in those mediums as well as stereotypes they have about Korean women. Regardless of the images they have about Koreans, they will be somewhat moderated by actual experiences dating them. I say "somewhat" because even after dating, there are lingering assumptions that continue unless they are dispelled beforehand either through experience or dialogue. In order for that to happen, people need to realize what they really want out of a marriage and discuss that before getting serious. I find that people who are not Korean, yet are looking specifically to marry a Korean have a bit of a shopper's mentality, being consumeristic, looking to see what they can get out of the relationship rather than recognizing it for the responsibility and commitment that it is. Because there is an underlying assumption that they will get this fantasy marriage and everything will be great, but how are they going to make that happen when they don't really know what they want and what they need to do to create it?

There is a reason a lot of Korean parents object to their children marrying out of the culture. Because they believe that there will be a cultural gap between themselves and their child's spouse. Like every culture, Koreans have an idea of what a proper husband or wife is, what a proper marriage is, and what a proper mother/father is. And these ideas are shaped by the culture, so it is natural to expect that if you are from a different culture, that you will have at least somewhat different ideas about what those things are. There is a way to relate to parents that may be different from culture to culture. In Korea, the wife has a greater responsibility to care for her in-laws than in the West. This can take various forms, but generally more would be asked of a daughter-in-law in Korea than the son or daughter. The son would be relied upon for financial support, but more care would be required of the daughter-in-law.  The daughter, if she was married, would generally not be asked for much support as she would have her own husband, in-laws, and children to tend to. In the West, parents usually rely on their children first before getting help from their daughter-in-law as they have less of a responsibility. Of course, it varies from family to family, but generally children are relied upon first before asking sons and daughters-in-law for additional support. Non-Korean wives might be taken aback by the amount of responsibility required by their Korean in-laws. This might be minimal in the case of couples who live separately from the husband's parents or it may require more effort if the couple lives with the parents in addition to celebrating je-sa (ancestral worship).

I know of a Korean movie actress who lived in the U.S. with her husband, son and his American wife along with their daughter. Never have I seen a Korean woman so angry on a show. This woman was livid because her daughter was not Korean and so unfamiliar with a lot of Korean customs, naturally. The setup they had was that the Korean woman cooked for the family instead of her American daughter-in-law. I could understand why she chose to do that, probably because her daughter-in-law did not know how to cook Korean meals. On the other hand, I could not understand why she did not choose to teach her American daughter-in-law how to do so. At that time, the granddaughter was about four years old, so there should have been plenty of time for her to teach her daughter-in-law by then. Instead, the actress was so angry because she felt so burdened by the responsibility of cooking the family meals when she should have been relaxing as the mother-in-law. It was a very awkward situation as she did not really acknowledge her daughter-in-law and there was a lot of hostility displayed as she prepared the meals. Of course, if a mother-in-law has to spend a lot of time teaching her daughter-in-law how to do a good job, that is considered a failure because the daughter-in-law should come prepared to take on that role before she gets married. If you are not Korean, you probably aren't going to get that information because it is something that Korean mothers pass on to their daughters. That is why you see much less marriages between Korean men and foreign women. Daughters-in-law are too much of an integral part of the family that if your son marries the wrong woman, then it really disrupts the family order. As a daughter-in-law, you have to know how to attend to your in-laws, the extended family, as well as deal with friends of your husband and in-laws, most of whom will probably be Korean. If your child is brought up in Korea, you have to know how to be an education manager and deal with the Korean school system because that is what your child will need to master if they are to have a good future.

If you are a son-in-law, you will not be expected to be an education manager, as women are generally given the responsibility of primary caregiver for children. You will, however, be expected to be a good provider. Most of the foreigners that are in Korea are in the military or English teachers, both of which do not have a great reputation in Korea. They're generally not lucrative positions with a few exceptions and they do not have a good status due to bad behavior on the part of some in those groups. Obviously, there are Korean women who marry some of these men, but not necessarily with great support from their families. I've seen a lot of posts citing the advantages that foreign men have over Korean ones and I can't really say that I agree with them because they are generally based on false stereotypes of Korean men as being more sexist and too traditional.  I would generally agree that Korean men are more traditional than Western men, but I don't think that necessarily has to mean more sexist. There are a lot of young Korean men who do help out with childcare and chores when both spouses work. In traditional households, there is a delegation of responsibility where the man is considered the provider whereas the woman is considered the homemaker. I don't see one role as lesser, but just different. There have been comments about how foreign men are more accepting of heavier women, but I have seen plump women get married to Koreans. Korean men do prefer a thinner standard than Western men, but that is just one consideration and not a deal breaker overall. Marrying a foreign man would give a Korean woman the opportunity to immigrate overseas, but what a petty reason to marry anyone. It's not like there are no other ways to immigrate besides marriage and to be frank, I don't think anyone wants to be used as a green card. Those marriages tend not to last. Marrying a foreign man would relieve the Korean woman from having to take care of the in-laws, but at the same time, would you really want to marry someone who was not willing to help out with your family? The reasons presented by some foreign men about how they are much better matches do not really add up because they are neglecting the fact that the Korean woman is going to have to give up something in the process. She may get all the benefits stated above. At the same time, she is giving up the prospect of someone who is going to understand her culture and her family in a way that is difficult if you are not raised in the Korean culture. She's going to have to explain a lot of things and her husband may or may not get it based on his willingness to understand and learn. For too many foreign men, being foreign is enough to be a good husband because of all the "advantages" they confer on their Korean wife. But they fail to recognize that there is going to be a sacrifice in the process on the part of the Korean woman. The same can be said of any couple in an intercultural marriage.

Marriage requires commitment and work. You need to make sure that you are on board in regards to children, family, finances, religion, etc. It's not just about feeling good about spending time with the other person. It's about taking responsibility so that you can be there as much as you need to be for the other person. It's not about how much you can get, but how much you are willing to give in the relationship. And that is what will determine whether your marriage will work out or not. So what people really need to understand is what they really want out of a marriage and whether they can help their partner out as well. Otherwise, they are just going to waste time and be disappointed in the end. If you marry someone from another culture, it's going to be different perhaps in a way that you don't like, so do your homework and make sure that you know what you are getting into because marriage is very different from dating. It's a responsibility.

The mixed couples who tend to do the best are ones where they did not seek to marry a partner of a specific ethnicity, but through happenstance found one another. Because it is ultimately about the other person's character and understanding and if you are stuck on a label, than you are just missing the whole point. If you are going to marry someone of another culture, you better do your homework and part of that is learning enough about your partner's culture to understand where they are coming from. They have only spent twenty plus years growing up and being part of that culture, so it is a big part of who they are. I really don't understand some foreign people (usually men) who do not make the effort to understand their partner's culture. It's like they are saying that the only thing that matters in the relationship is what they can get from it. That is not a formula for a great marriage and a big part of the reason why some mixed marriages do not last, because either people do not know what they are getting into or they are not willing to do the work necessary to make their marriage great. Learning about another culture is an education and a commitment, so Korean and other parents from cultures where marrying within the culture is strongly emphasized, are not being racist, but realistic and practical. It's all about understanding and if you are too self-centered to bother about it, then don't expect your Korean partner's parents to receive you warmly. That's why a lot of Koreans prefer to marry someone Korean because they want to be sure that they will be with someone who understands and respects the Korean culture. They don't have to go through the hassle of vetting out whether someone is truly committed to understanding or not. Yes, I am sure there are Koreans who are disrespectful or disinterested in the culture and good luck if you seek to lower yourself to that standard. If you want to marry someone, I would think that you would want to bring your best self to the relationship instead of getting away with being as jerky as you can. If you really want to marry a Korean person, you should make sure that you are going to be as great of a partner as a Korean could be. That's showing the same commitment to understanding and respecting the culture as an ideal Korean partner would. If you're not willing to do the work or take on that commitment, why even marry?

Ultimately, marriage is a responsibility. Some foreigners seem to think that it means that they will just continue the same experiences they had when they dated their partner. To a point, yes, but marriage is a different ball game and if you expect it to be exactly the same as when dating, you are headed for a mountain of trouble. The responsibilities expected of a partner in a Korean marriage are different from a Western one, especially in regards to care of in-laws. That's why you need to understand the culture so that you can understand your partner and his/her family more. If you're not willing to do that, I seriously question how ready you are for marriage to anyone, period.